Not Denying Emotion
by Pyrate Rose
Summary: Prequel to Daddy Mark. Roger's POVjournal entires. Spans from when Mimi finds out she's expecting to the day before Roger dies. You don't need to read DM to get this one either.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: I know that "Daddy Mark" isn't finished yet, but this plot bunny bit me the other day and I had to do it. I really missed Roger ( I heart him) so I wanted to write for him. Every chapter will begin with an excerpt from Roger's journal and then the story will be told in first person from his POV...It'll probably be depressing...Sorry. Also, I've somehow fallen into a time vortex...According to "Daddy Mark", Collins died before Eva was born, the Halloween after Angel died. However, I also said that Eva was concieved on the Christmas Eve that they all came together again (at the end of the movie) and that she was born "9 months later" yet I made her birthday in June. I also made a typo saying that Mimi died the day after Eva was born (in chappy 1) yet in the next chappy I say that she died when Eva was a month old... So technically, Eva was three months premature and Collins and Mimi died before they really died...God my head hurts...Let's erase the slate shall we? Ignore all dates from "Daddy Mark" okay? Thanks. Forgive my creative liberties.)**

**(Disclaimer: I rent.)**

* * *

_January 15, 1992_

_The Loft_

_...I can't believe how stupid I can be sometimes. I've made the hugest mistake of my life and because of it Mimi won't even make it to her twenty first birthday. We went to refill our AZT down at the clinic today and they did the usual bloodtests. When the results came back from the lab, they told us they couldn't fill Mimi's prescription. She's pregnant. She refuses to even think about getting an abortion, even though the doctor told her that having this baby would be her death sentence. And the odds of the baby living are slim too. Why does Mimi have to be so fucking stubborn all the time? I can't handle losing her. I love her too much..._

_...I went to visit Collins and Angel today to talk about everything. I realize now just how much I've missed Collins. I know Mark will always be there to talk to, but Collins was different somehow. He was like the dad I never had. Oh well. I'm sure I'll be joining him and Angel soon enough. Just like Mimi. And our little fucking bundle of "joy"._

* * *

The door to our bedroom slammed shut violently behind Mimi as she attempted to get away from me as quickly as she could. She was angry. The whole way back from the clinic I had tried to talk her into an abortion. She wouldn't hear it.

"Roger, please! Just SHUT UP!" she cried. Mark glanced up from his newspaper, holding a cup of tea to his lips.

"Mimi, listen to me! Why kill yourself for nothing!" I demanded, pounding my fist down on the door. Mimi came back out and put her hand on my cheek.

"It isn't nothing to me, Roger." she said softly. "Miracles happen everyday, mi amor." she added, going back into the room. I screamed out in frusteration and threw myself onto the couch.

"I uh--I take it that the doctor appointments didn't go so well?" Mark said. I said nothing, just shook my head and sunk farther down into the couch. "Is she sick?"

"No..." I muttered.

"Well, what's wrong?" he persisted, sounding worried. Poor Mark, always the martyr. Always worrying about everyone else and never taking care of himself.

"Mimi's pregnant." I mumbled.

"Mimi's _what_!" he said in shock.

"She's pregnant. And she won't listen to me and get an abortion."

"Roger, you can't seriously expect her to kill her own child? _Your_ own child for that matter."

"Well if she doesn't, that child will kill her." I said, feeling my blood start to boil. "And then that child will die a few years later anyway because the odds of a baby being born HIV negative when both parents are HIV positive are microscopically slim to none! And even if it didn't have AIDS, it'd end up getting shipped from foster home to foster home for the first eighteen years of its life just like I was." Mark shook his head at me, his jaw open a bit.

"Do you honestly think I would allow the child of two of my best friends to grow up as a ward of the state?" he asked, sounding hurt. "Roger I would do anything for you and Mimi, and your baby. I understand that you're scared for Mimi--"

"I'm not _scared_ of anything." I cut in, gritting my teeth.

"Roger, face it-- you're terrified to lose her! You keep praying that you'll be the first one to die so you won't have to go through what you went through with April all over again." Mark said. I cringed because I knew he was telling the truth. Why did he have to be so fucking right all the time? It pisses me off. "Give this baby a chance to live, Rog. Who knows who she could be?" I swallowed hard and nodded. He was right again; Mimi could be carrying inside of her the first woman president, a famous actor, or even the one person who could find a cure to the disease that would take away her parents before she reached the age of eighteen. "Forget regret." Mark said, pulling me into a hug.


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N: RAH! I did it again! I fed up the dates again! We are in 1991! Just completely ignore everything I write having to do with dates! I'm normally soooo much better with my timings. I even do the math down to the day usually. Piss and vinegar...oh grr...)**

**(Disclaimer; I rent RENT and I borrowed the El Salvadorian lullaby...)**

_June 15, 1991_

_St.Vincent's Hospital, Manhattan_

_Well, it's official. I, Roger Alfred Davis, am a father. Eva Angel was born around 8pm tonight. She looks just like her mother. Mimi's doing okay, but nine months without her AZT has taken its toll. The doctors said she wouldn't make it through labor, but, by some miracle, she did. This night's full of miracles, by the way; Eva was born HIV negative. The doctors say that she's one of the healthiest babies they've ever seen. She's so beautiful, it's amazing. There's nothing to make you realize just what a phenomenon life is until you see a baby being brought into the world. It's certainly an experience I'll never forget. The hand Mimi was holding tonight won't ever forget it either--if the feeling ever comes back to it..._

"June fifteenth, 1991, nine thirty pm, eastern standard time." Mark began as he held the camera on our new family. Mimi smiled; tired but happy, and holding our daughter close to her chest. I sat on the edge of the hospital bed with my arm around her. "A new bohemian is born," Mark continued. "Focus in on Eva Angel Davis. We can already tell she has inherited her mother's timeless beauty and her father's personality--the nurses say they've never heard such a quiet baby."

"Ha ha, Cohen." I scoffed playfully. Mimi leaned over and kissed my lips softly before looking back down at Eva and whispering to her in Spanish. I didn't understand what she was saying, but her calm voice was soothing, not only to my daughter, but to me as well. The whirring of Mark's camera died away and the room fell silent but for Mimi, singing her lullaby;

"Dormite, niñita; no llores chiquita  
Vendrán angelitos las sombras de noche.  
Rayitos de luna, rayitos de plata  
Alumbran mi niña que está en la cuna."  
Mark smiled at me in a knowing way and nodded before backing out of the room to leave us alone. I went to the window and looked out on the city below while Mimi's voice filled my head "Rayitos del sol el cielo azul  
Dejan dormir y empieza vivir.  
Dormite, niñita, con ojos diamantes  
Estrellas brillantes florido el cielo...Roger?" she asked, yawning. "Yeah, baby?" I said, going back to her bedside."Here, let me take her." I said, gently taking Eva from her and kissing Mimi's forehead."Get some rest, okay?" I said. She nodded. "I love you, Mimi...promise not to leave me." "I promise, mi amor. I love you too." she sighed. "Goodnight." I carried Eva out into the hallway, turning off the lights in Mimi's room and shutting the door. Mark was sprawled on the white tile floor in the hallway, his head resting against the wall and a smile plastered on his face. "Hey Daddy." he said without opening his eyes. "Hey Uncle." I countered, shifting the baby a little so I could slide down the wall next to Mark.

_June 20th, 1991_

_St. Vincent's Hospital, Manhattan_

_I'm at the hospital right now, Mimi's asleep and so are Eva and Mark. I just finished packing everyone's crap up to get ready to go home tomorrow. Mo and Jo left about twenty minutes ago. If I let Mo keep it up, Eva's going to be a spoiled little brat...The doctors told me today how weak Mimi has become. The next cold she gets could be her last. It's going to be another shitty fall this year, I can tell. Soon she'll be back in our bed at the loft and I can hold her again, but I'm so worried that it won't be long before I lose her..._


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N: I promise, no date mixups this time. This is my favorite chappy. Mark gets to bitch at Roger.)**

**(D.C: I rent)**

_July 21st 1991_

_The Loft_

_The love of my life died last week. Mimi Marquez, the most beautiful woman in the world, is gone. I couldn't write it or say it before now, but as they say "the first step to healing is admitting there's a problem", right? What the fuck ever. I'm sitting here writing this in my bedroom while Mark's in the living room, trying to make the brat stop crying. I know I should be feeling some kind of "fatherly love" or some shit like that, but it's her fault Mimi's gone. How can I love someone who took Mimi away from me? Dammit, and she looks just like Mimi too with her caramel skin and big brown doe-eyes. I can't even stand to look at her. She disgusts me._

_God what I wouldn't give for a hit right now. Coke, smack, pot, whatever. Anything would be welcome. I just want out. Out of this loft, out of this city, out of this life. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. Mark's been watching me like a hawk since the night Mimi died. He's even been checking in on me while I'm asleep or if I'm in the bathroom too long. He probably thinks I'm gonna pull an April. I don't blame him. I would if I could. He's always been able to read my mind._

* * *

"Roger! Will you please come hold Eva while I make her a bottle?" Mark shouted from the living room. I sighed and closed my journal, then slipped the small leather book under my mattress. "ROGER!"

"I'm coming!" I shouted back. I came out of my bedroom and Mark shoved the screaming, squirming thing into my arms. She looked up at me and blinked, then fell silent, snuggling into my chest.

"Sit down on the couch with her. I'll get the bottle." Mark commanded. I plopped down awkwardly, looking at the little brat. She smiled her little baby smile and cooed at me. I sighed again and she reached for my finger, then began sucking on it.

"Why is she trying to eat my finger?" I asked.

"She's hungry. Here." Mark said, dropping the bottle on the couch next to me. "Feed your kid." he added, using the same tone of voice he used when he said 'take your AZT'.

"How the fuck do I do this?" I grumbled when she wouldn't open her mouth for the bottle.

"Rub it on her gums first, like this," he instructed. I did, and soon she was suckling away. "See?" Mark patted my shoulder. "You're a natural." He went back into the kitchen. Eva looked up at me with her big brown eyes.

"What are you looking at?" I asked gruffly.

"She's looking at the man who should be treating her like a daddy usually treats his daughter instead of treating her like what happened to Mimi was her fault." Mark muttered.

"What happened to Mimi was her--" I began childishly.

"No, Roger it wasn't! It was yours!" he shouted.

"What!"

"You and Mimi were selfish and irresponsible an because of it, this innocent little girl has no mother and an idiotic prick for a father who's so wrapped up in his own fucking pity party that he'd go so far as to blame a month old baby for his own mistakes!" The room went quiet save for Eva sucking on her bottle. I stood up angrily and shoved the baby into Mark's arms before storming out of the loft.

* * *

I didn't know where I was going, but soon I ended up at the cemetary. Mimi had been buried there a few days ago, right next to Angel. On Angel's other side was Collins. I sat down between the graves of my friends and my lover and began to sob.

"Collins, I could really use some advice right about now." I said to the granite slab in front of me. "You were always looking out for me. You always told me what I needed to do. I can't handle this life anymore, Collins. I have nothing left to live for..." As though they were answering my question, a picture of my little girl appeared in my mind. "Eva..." I turned to Mimi's headstone. "I miss you so much baby...I don't know what to do. I feel like such a jerk because of how I've been treating the baby, but I can't even stand to look at her, let alone hug and kiss her...Angel, I wish I could have learned more from you...how could you love everyone so much? I need you guys to help me learn how to love my baby girl..." I broke down into sobs, my tears blurring my vision. It was the first time I'd cried since that Christmas Eve Mimi had almost died. Now it was finally sinking in that she was gone for good. "Maybe Mark was right...maybe I am just a pathetic loser..."

"I never called you a loser." said a voice from behind me. I turned around to see Mark standing over me, Eva resting peacefully on his shoulder.

"What?" I asked, wiping my eyes, trying to hide the obvious fact that I'd spent the last 15 minutes crying my eyes out.

"I said I never called you a loser. I called you and idiotic prick, but I never said anything about you being a loser." I turned away and looked back at Mimi's headstone. "Roger, look--"

"Forget it." I muttered.

"No. I was outta line back there. I'm sorry Roger."

"You were only telling the truth." I sighed. "I'm a shitty father, just like mine was."

"You're learning. It takes time." he said, adjusting Eva on his shoulder. "All you have to do is try." I nodded and stood up, brushing myself off. I looked down at Mimi's grave and kissed my fingers before placing them over the engraving of her name.

"Te amo, mi amor..."I whispered. The four words of Spanish I'd ever bothered to learn. Mark watched me say goodbye and handed me my daughter when I held out my arms for her. Eva slept soundly in my arms all the way back to the loft.


End file.
